Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
