wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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