It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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