You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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