So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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