so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
