it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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