So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
