I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
