you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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