im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
