Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
