First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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