Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
