When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
