I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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