There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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