I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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