sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
