I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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