saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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