Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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