there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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