So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
