Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
