I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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