I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
