my mouth tastes like poor choices
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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