Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
