While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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