Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
