I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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