woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
