I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
