you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
