If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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