can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
