In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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