when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
