I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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