good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
