he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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