Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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