his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
