in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
