I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
