I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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