wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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