Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
