i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
