He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
