Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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