if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you guys were way drunker than both of me
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
